Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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