Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize