i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
