I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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