Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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