Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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