I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
