I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
