This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
