3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
