My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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