I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo