Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
