Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live