I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
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If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Then you guys just all showered together...?