I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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