Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess