Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You're a waste of cheezeits
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am naked and annoyed.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.