oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
