I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
