Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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