how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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