I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He kissed a someone with a penis
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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