I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
