So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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