Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She's the barista slut.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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