remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
