Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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