You just made me feel so damn special
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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