I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
