There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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