I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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