I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
