I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
