So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
