she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
