is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
