One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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