I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
