i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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