My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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