Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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