oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
