She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
