His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
