I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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