I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
