He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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