Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
