At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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