fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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