So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
