I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
They took my balls.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
