i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
