I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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