You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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