I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
