After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
