I puked a lego.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
