omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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