why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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