I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
