The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need water and some morals
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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