More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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